Dear Mr. Horowitz,
I am writing to you about your recent book, The Professors: The 101 Most Dangerous Academics. I find the book a travesty, completely unfit for print in any civilized nation, for the simple reason that I am not included on the list.
I'm way more dangerous than any of those guys. Can you honestly tell me you'd rather confront me in a dark alley than Noam Chomsky? I mean, the man's name is homophonous with "gnome"! He wouldn't last a day in prison.
Or Michael Berube? The man obviously has masculinity issues -- why else would he put that hockey photo of Gilbert on his blog? Sure, he might high-stick you, but I can kill with my bare hands. Plus, he puts an accent mark in his name ... there's just no call for that. Now an umlaut is masculine, but an accent mark...?
What about "Grover Furr?" Everyone knows that Grover Furr is a fictional character owed by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and he got displaced by Elmo. ELMO, for Pete's sake! How could someone defeated by Elmo be dangerous?
Let's face it, the list is full of geriatrics who couldn't make a shiv from a broken piece of metal if their lives depended on it. How could you overlook me when you've included the entire supporting cast of Cocoon? Listen, there's a math professor of my acquaintance who has a blackbelt in hapkido and regularly kicks my butt when sparring. Now THAT's dangerous!
Please amend your list to include me and my math professor colleague. Also, please note that if you ever come out with a "101 Best Dressed Academics" list, my bow-tie and tweed combo surely earns me a spot in that list too.
Richard Scott Nokes,
Danger to Those Around Me