A Lost Page from the D&D Monster Manual

A brother-in-law sent me a link to "Presidential Candidates as Dungeons and Dragons Characters." The jokes are far more geekish than wonkish, so I thought Wordhoarders might like it.

By the way, in a recent phone call he also revealed that the Wordhoard is the first link they look at every day when they are getting their non-Kenyan news (he and my sister are missionaries in Kenya -- you can find out more here). This gives me the opportunity to offer the first draft of the news. Therefore, here are some of the news items you might not have heard in Kenya:

• In Denmark, Prime Minister Hrothgar is embroiled in controversy over his decision to hire a foreign contractor rather than local labor to take care of a pest control problem in the palace. Opposition leader Unferth claims that the contractor has inflated his level of experience. The debate has grown nasty with counter-claims that M.P. Unferth has a drinking problem.
• French students protested en masse because the Hundred Years War had still not ended by 1437. Said one student, "Eet ees called ze "Hundred Years War," not ze "Hundred and Sixteen Years War." President Sarkozy has vowed to expel the Plantagenets from France to end the conflict.
• In religious news, a Briton slave by the name of Patrick has been riling up the Irish countryside with his evangelism. Herpetologists have called Patrick's ministry "an environmental catastrophe." Also in religious news, the ghost of Dante returned to give a report on the afterlife. According to the ghost of Dante, his predictions about the afterlife had proven to be 87.4% accurate, but that the 3rd circle of Hell had grown much more crowded after the invention of Doritos. Interestingly, no one has ever eaten enough ugali to qualify as one of the gluttonous damned.
• In the markets today, watermill futures are up, and most analysts predict that the Cistercians will have a big quarteras a result. Also, Viking vintners in Greenland have complained that more than a decade of colder-than-average weather has led to weak grape harvests. Viking climatologists worry that we might be in for a few centuries of global cooling. One alarmed Icelandic scientist claimed that if the weather continues in this fashion, in the future Greenland might be little more than an icy wasteland hospitable only to fishermen. Local Eskimo fishermen, on the other hand, cheered the news as a chance to "get rid of all those pesky Norse tourists."
• In sports: Except for tournaments, nothing interesting happened in Europe, nor will anything interesting happen until trade opens up with the New World, bringing with it rubber for balls and trashy soccer hooligans. New World sports -- The Tecpan Panthers defeated the Uxmal Warriors 10-6, the Uaxactun Gators defeated the Palenque Monarchs 7-5, and, in a stunning upset, the Chichen Itza trounced the Quiche Conquerors 16-1.
• On the lighter side of news, the Aachen zoo has a new addition! Abul Abbas, a 9000 pound elephant given to Charlemagne by Caliph Harun al-Rashid, has been wowing visitors to the Holy Roman Empire Elephantarium and Gift Shop. Early next year, zookeepers plan to attempt a mating between Abul Abbas and a bear, hoping to breed a fearsome "Beariphant," the natural enemy to the griffin.

There -- all your news for the day. Absolutely true.