Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Kinkade Code

Now that all the DaVinci Code sturm und drang is settling down, I can finally reveal that Leonardo isn't the only great artist to have hidden, occult messages in his work. Behold, the work of Thomas Kinkade, the "Painter of Light!"

So, who is the figure in the image? With his back to us, it can only be the apostle Peter, who thrice denied Christ, here turning his back on us as well. We can also see that, like Peter, the image is a fisherman, and also, like Peter, he has a penchant for wearing plaid.*

Peter here, though, is rejecting Jesus, probably mad because he had the hots for Mary Magdalene himself (I'm just guessing). Anyway, here is Peter, standing right next to a body of water, and he is refusing to walk on it! Even worse, he has tucked his pants legs into his boots, in a show of defiance -- kind of like saying, "Hey, I don't trust you to keep my pants from getting wet this close to the water." He's also wearing an ugly hat, which is a way of saying, "Hey, I'm wearing an ugly hat ... whatcha gonna do about it?"

But what's this up above him? It looks like a bright light in the sky, surrounded by dark clouds ... the wrath of the Almighty! Look out, Peter! Run, boy, run!

Of course, the rest goes without saying, but I'll belabor the patently obvious for the slow-witted out there. Obviously, Kinkade is Leonardo's heir in the Order of Scion (and their splinter group, Order of Fries With That). He is revealing to us that God hates popes, since Peter is supposably** the first pope. So, don't stand too close to any popes, or you might get zapped, because the popes keep puttin' the moves on Mary Magdalene.

Soon, I will reveal also the Norman Rockwell Code ... unless they get to me first.

*Most people don't know that Peter was a big plaid wearer. He had a line of plaid clothing second-to-none in the Galilee fashion district.
*Take that, Dr. Virago!


  1. Bwahahaha!

    (I think "Order of Fries with That" made me laugh even harder than "supposably.")

  2. Anonymous7:02 PM

    I read the Da Vinci code, and now that I've read it, I can pass judgement.

    My judgement is thus:

    What's all the hubbub about? It doesn't even deal that much with the Church or Jesus -- if you ask me, the time that the author spent talking about ancient goddess worship and feminism far eclipsed anything dealing with the Church.

  3. For a change of pace try, The Asti Spumonte Code. Which owes its distinction to the fact that Leonardo da Vinci doesn't appear once in it.

  4. Laugh all you want; I saw a very angry albino hanging out by your office thise morning.

  5. "Thise," as I'm sure you already know, is the Aramaic word for "this."

  6. Anonymous5:02 PM


    Is that anything like *cringes* "irregardless"?

    Or "anal rentensive"?

  7. Anonymous6:12 AM

    I'd never seen a Thomas Kinkade ("Painter of Light" tm, (c) all rights reserved etc, blah) up until just right there.

    To be honest, I found the image quite striking - the guy's talented - although the pic is image is idealistic to the point of mawkish - and he's not exactly doing new things.

    A modern and American sort of a John Constable (although not as good or innovative).

    BTW: the Da Vinci-plot thickened when I wikipediadeded (or w/ever) him and found that: "He also is rumored to have a proclivity for "ritual territory marking" through urination".


  8. Anonymous6:14 AM

    Make that 'he's an ersatz John Constable' - don't want to irritate all you Constable (an English landscape artist) lovers out there.

  9. Classic work!

    My favorite line: "So, don't stand too close to any popes, or you might get zapped, because the popes keep puttin' the moves on Mary Magdalene."


  10. You're just an insecure asshole.